Ian Wright: "I was once fined £5,000 for called Tottenham fans wankers. Best £5,000 I have ever spent."

Harry Redknapp has heart attack.
That's the last time he looks at Adebayors wage slip

John Terry's racism charge is comparable to his team's performance against Arsenal

No defence whatsoever

A teacher is going around her class asking the kids who they support.
Several of the kids say Man U until she gets to Johnny. 'ARSENAL!' He exclaims.
As a Man U supporter herself, the teacher asks, 'Why Arsenal, Johnny?'
He replies, ' Well, me dad supports the Arsenal, me mum supports the Arsenal, so I support them too.'
The teacher replies, ' Well if your father was a retard and your mother was a retard, what then, would that make you?'
Johnny smiles sweetly and answers...

'A stupid Manc like you miss!'

Breaking News!!! after entering the locker room, Torres held a gun to his head and tried to shoot himself but he missed that too!

 

Transfer Deadline Day is like sex, two months of graft, one day of glory, one second when everything completely explodes and two days of checking if everyone's okay.

 

Some terrible news just in from Stamford Bridge and it's bad news for Chelsea fans.

There is still no one stupid enough to buy Kalou.

 

Shaun Wright Phillips calls QPR a big club.

A golf club is a big club to Shaun Wright Phillips

 

Craig Bellamy: I want to use this club to become a lethal attacker again.

Does he mean golf or football?

 

It's finally happened for arsenal. I could see all their fans cheering as the news was announced.

Bendtner has gone.

 

If I was a footballer, I'd drive round loads of grounds on Deadline Day, just to piss off the Sky Sports News reporters.

 

After hours of anxiety and speculation, it has now been confirmed that Howard Webb will be staying with Manchester United.

I've noticed how, where girls used to say to me, "You've got more chance of hell freezing over."

They now use, "You've got more chance of Fernando Torres scoring."

I must have really let myself go.

 

Man Utd fan in work today was shooting his mouth off saying we're going to win this, we're going to win that, all that shit.

Thankfully one of the other ref's told Howard to shut the fuck up.

BREAKING NEWS - Owen Hargreaves' move to Manchester City has broken down amid another injury scare. He fell out of the transfer window.

They say all employers must have a certain percentage of disabled employees on their books.

I guess that's the reason Manchester United signed Michael Carrick.

Anyone else noticed that "Torres for Chelsea" is an anagram of "loser for cheaters

Well at least Torres was guaranteed something at Liverpool......90 minutes

The Football Auction

" Ok and our next item is Andy Carroll, lets start the bidding at 8 mil
"15 million"
"No Liverpool thats not ho-"
"25 million"
"You don't get it you're not suppos-"
"30 million, and thats my final offer"
" But Liverpool you could have got him for 8-"
"35 MILLION"
"*sigh* sold, to Liverpool for 35 mil"

 

I am now back home in the heart of Liverpool. After a few days I realised I have no money. So just sold Jingle Bells to a Scouse for £200. They will pay anything for a useless Carroll up here.

21st January 2010: Harry Redknapp Mugged In Spain By Man.

31st January 2011: Kenny Dalgleish Mugged In Liverpool By Newcastle

Fernando Torres' Transfer to Chelsea has been cancelled,Mrs Torres couldn't agree personal terms with John Terry or Ashley Cole

After finding out that the hosts automatically qualify for the World Cup that year,

Manchester City have enquired about hosting the Champions League next season

Torres not playing tonight because his partner's in labour.

Explains Terry's absence as well then.

Remember when you have unprotected sex with someone - it's like having sex with the previous 10 people they have had sex with. That means you may be shagging a ManU and a Spurs supporter at the same time.

I met this really kinky girl.
"Humiliate me," she said.
So I bought her a Spud shirt

Q. Why do Tottenham fans plant potatoes round the edge of their gardens?
A. So they have something to lift at the end of the season!

Q. You’re locked in a room with a lion, a crocodile, and a Yid.
You have a gun with 2 bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the Spurs Fan – twice.

Q: What do Chelsea keepers and Singer Michael Jackson have in common?
A: Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q: What do you call a Man U fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Man U fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Man U fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Manutd.com have compiled a feature length video on Dimitar Berbatov's finest moments as a Manchester United player to mark his 100th game for the club.

The video's forty-five minutes long, but I can give you the best highlights:

West Ham, Premier League, 2008: Walked onto the pitch
Fulham, Premier League 2008: Started to jog
Aston Villa, Carling Cup 2009: Broke into a sweat
Everton, FA CUP 2009: Lost the ball
Bayern Munich, Champions League 2010: Fell Over
Chelsea, Premier League 2010: Got up

Lucas is banned for the next game v West Ham...West Ham have said

they will appeal.

8 Man city fans were arrested at yesterdays birmingham match for trying to climb over the walls of eastlands, police promptly returned them to their seats and made them watch the rest of the match

What's the difference between Chelsea and the Amish?

The Amish can live without Lamps

What's the similarity between Lily Allen and Manchester City's trophy cabinet?

They're both barren.

BBC Sport: "Liverpool have appointed ex-Tottenham director of football Damien Comolli as their director of football strategy."

You know your team is royally fucked when you are trying to be Spurs from 2008.

 

Following the recent arguments between the Man City players, James Milner insisted today: "We are united."

Unbelievable. 65 grand a week and he doesn't even know which team he plays for

 

One day Mancini met Sir Alex and said: "our player's price and wages are several times of yours, why are we still not as good as you?"

Sir Alex: "You can't evaluate one's ability only by his price, you should also see his brain."

Mancini: "How can i see that?"

Sir Alex: "Scholes, come here. Your parents have a son, but he is neither your elder brother nor your younger brother, who is he?"

Scholes: "Me!"

Mancini went back to his own club. He asked Balotelli first: "Your parents have a son, but he is neither your elder brother nor your younger brother, who is he?"

Balotelli: (5 minutes later......) "I don't know."

Mancini: "nasry, your parents have a son, but he is neither your elder brother nor your younger brother, who is he?"

nasry: (10 minutes later......) "I don't know."

Mancini (with fury): " It's Scholes!!!!"

Whats the difference between Liverpools cup hopes and Paul the Octopus?

Nothing, they are both dead

 

Everyone see that photo of Fergie hugging Rooney the other day?
The perfect caption would be "Shrek and Donkey Friends again"
Shrek being Rooney for being the most ugly talentless twat in the world.
Fergie for being the ass that believed in Rooney all along!

Tevez and Lescott have been banned from entering the scariest costume competition at Man City's halloween ball at the weekend.
It was said the rest of the club thought it unfair that they tie for the prize every year!

Google Search: "Miserable Failure"

Sorry did you mean "Liverpool FC?"

Man U or Man City?

Technically there's also a difference between dog shit and cat shit....but I like the smell of neither.

What's yellow and shouts "Looney ... Looney .... you give it me now, Looney"

Ji Sung Park making a late run into the 18 yard box!

Manchester United's dressing room minutes before kick off in the derby;

"Right I want 110% effort from the word go against this blue shit. Remember the bastards did us on the anniversary of Munich. If you don't win, those cockney buggers at Chelsea will have 6 points on us. Now I don't care if you kick, punch or head-butt your way to victory, you must win this. Good luck."

Then Sir Alex walks in and says, "Thanks ref, I'll take it from here."

Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone.
When questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said, "I've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house."